Down the Rabbit Hole
Sometimes we find ourselves in this dark place that circumstances beyond our control place us. I tend to call this the rabbit hole. No offense meant to rabbits but it is the only way I can describe the dark place that makes you feel you just can’t go one step more. I have been absent from this blog for the past few months due to a rabbit hole situation in my life.
In December I had major back surgery. I was told it would be a week in hospital and then home recovery and I would be back to normal in 6 weeks. That did not happen for me. Instead I was taken on this journey where I discovered some things about myself that held me back. I had every complication possible after the surgery and 1 one week in the hospital became 3 weeks.
Since then I have been on an often frustration journey of tests, medication trial and error and even a bit of an experience of detoxing from pain meds (not fun). Finally after almost 6 months of constant pain, I was given a diagnosis. I have my second rare genetic disorder. Porphyria is a blood disorder and when your numbers are up you have all kinds of physical things going on along with mental things. Basically when you are having an acute attack, you have a new reality. It can and has sent me into some dark areas of my soul that needed to be explored.
One thing I have learned on my life’s journey is that we will always have something within us that we need to explore. Even the best among us has flaws and I will be the first to tell you I do not consider myself one of the best among us.
My time away for self-healing has made me see that even in the darkest times there is light. Even when we feel we are alone, there is always someone watching over us. One night after my back surgery, I was in the rehab hospital having a very rough night. I kept talking about the nun in the corner. The hospital staff kept telling me there was no nun in my room. My daughter was on speaker phone with me and she heard me go off on the nurse for wearing too much perfume. My room was filled with the smell of roses every time I saw the nun. When I got home, I realized even if the nun was not real, the perception of having someone watching over me brought me peace of mind when I needed it most. I often think of that nun now as I continue on this new phase of healing.
Being a 1 percenter has taught me over the years to grasp on to whatever is offered to you as a touchstone. For those of you who do not understand the 1% reference, it means you a part of a group that has reactions to drugs and other therapies that fall outside the normal allergic or sensitivity response to drugs or food. When you fall outside the normal boundaries, you have to do your own research and be your own advocate. You often get the reputation of being difficult or noncompliant. Keep in mind you have to be your own advocate first.
I will be the first to say this trip down the rabbit hole has been one of the hardest I have ever experienced. I still have times where I feel like I am falling into that dark spot in the rabbit hole. I hold on to the knowledge there is always light even if I have to light the match myself. I am continuing on this unknown healing journey of body, mind and spirit and hope you will join me as I explore what I am learning from this trip to Wonderland.
No matter what you are dealing with, no matter what you are experiencing in life, known you are not alone. Together we will find the touchstone that will aid our growth and spiritual well-being. The rabbit hole is not a dark abyss but rather as Lewis Carroll taught us, the doorway to a magical world full of surprises, challenges, and growth. Even Alice emerged from the rabbit hole changed and stronger for her journey.
Let’s start this journey together. Feel free to email me if you have questions about your journey. I will try to answer them as best I can. So take my hand and jump into the rabbit hole. Adventure and growth await.
