Being Prepared To Not Be Prepared
Here is the thing about rabbit holes that nobody tells you. No matter how much you prepare, you are not prepared for everything that you encounter in or out of a rabbit hole. It is the way life works. No matter how great a planner you are, no matter how organized you are there will be something that you will not expect.
As I mentioned earlier my latest trip to the rabbit hole involved back surgery. I was told in advance a week in the hospital, a bit of home health care and some physical therapy and you will be back normal in six to eight weeks. We are looking at almost 6 months and I am still struggling with some aspects of recovery. I was not prepared for weird side effects even though I am the poster child for weird side effects. The challenges that I faced trickled down into challenges my loved ones had to deal with to keep things running. For someone that always prided themselves on being independent, suddenly being dependent was humbling and frankly not very pleasant for anyone.
You see, pity trips are also part of the rabbit hole experience. Those pity parties come frequently when you are adjusting to things you never prepared for and now have to work through. I had to learn creative ways of getting socks on.
I had always taken for granted something as simple as getting dressed. I had been doing from the time I was about 18 months old without much help. So suddenly having to figure out how to put on socks when I couldn’t bend became a challenge. Thank you the teens in the house did not decide it would make a great video to post on social media. There were other things I struggled with and still struggle with that we won’t detail here. But it is easy to feel sorry for yourself when your world gets changed.
Embrace it but don’t stay there. When you find yourself staying too long at the pity party, it is time to find something to distract you. Focus on what you can do. Simple mile stones became celebrations for me. I still remember the first time I was able to walk the entire grocery store and buy what was on the list. This was major for me. Not only was it a change of scenery but I felt like I had done something besides nap, do my stretches and nap again.
I learned very quickly to tear up my prepared list because nothing was going according to plan. Frankly, it still isn’t. What I have learned from my rabbit hole trip is that it is okay to change your plans based on how you feel. It is okay to say I can’t make it around the block today but I can make it to the park and back. It is okay to cry, it is okay to get frustrated and it is okay to let those around you know you appreciate them but you are struggling.
My family has heard and seen me scream and cry in pain. We are talking primal scream therapy stuff. The pain would come from a soul level. I found being honest about my feelings helped everyone. Being able to say I know you feel helpless, so do I so lets figure out what we can do is very freeing when you are trying to get out of the rabbit hole. Don’t focus on what you haven’t done or can’t do but rather celebrate the little victories along the way. It has taken me a long time to be able to sit to write much less feel I have anything to write. I had to keep telling myself it would happen when it was supposed to happen.
When it is hard to find the positive within yourself, it is hard to write positive affirmations. Trust me, there were days as I read my affirmations I really wanted to do a big fat raspberry noise. But I kept reading, I kept affirming even when I didn’t feel it. Eventually, the urge to write happened and the strength to sit happened. To my surprise I found that what has been coming to me to write about are my feelings and emotions as I went down the rabbit hole and then slowly worked my way out.
Depression is very real and most of us in our lifetime will experience it. For some, they pull out of it easily. For others, medication, therapy, and time to adjust to the new normal are needed. I found new depths of compassion.
After a rather nasty encounter with a night nurse I found myself praying and when she came back to my room, I apologized from the heart and told her I knew her life had been hard and I appreciated she was trying to help me. I let her know the best way to approach me and that she was very much loved. Later that night she came in and had a strange look on her face. She said I looked up your birthday. I said yes. She said you don’t know this but I was married on your birthday. I said congratulations. She said to me know I was pregnant and lost my daughter I was carrying at the reception. She said you were talking about my pain and I couldn’t believe you saw my soul. I just want you to know what your words meant.
You see, I wasn’t in that rabbit hole alone. There was someone else who was trying to help me that carried her own demons into the rabbit hole. Even in the rabbit hole we can still be of service. Our darkest most depressing angry times can also be times where we can reach deep into our soul, find God, and give a blessing to others. You can plan and prepare but you will still be surprised. Know as I write of my journey back to health, I am also saying a prayer that these words help someone else find the healing blessing in their journey. Embrace your journey and embrace the love that is always there for you.
